Before I felt compelled to write this blog and before I was ready to accept who and what I am, I was still working towards the goal of bringing people together by being my fun self and being passionate about things in life that I love. To put myself out there and start introducing myself to the world, I wrote blogs about my favorite reality TV shows. One of those shows is King of the Nerds - I fell in love with the show during the first season, which began airing on TBS in 2013. I have always been nerdy, but not in traditional ways. I loved the movie Revenge of the Nerds when I was a kid - yes, my dad let my sister and I watch that when we were young and it's still one of my favorite movies - so I was really excited about a nerdy reality TV show.
It has such a good message about celebrating who you are and what you are passionate about and it's awesome because not only does it promote those things, but it's something everyone in the family can watch together, and it's educational! I didn't write a blog about the first season, but I did for the second and to my surprise, the cast and one of the co-creators, producer and host of the show started reading them - and they loved them! Two weeks after season two ended, there was still no news on whether or not it would be renewed for a third season and one day I just felt compelled to send a message to the people at TBS and try to rally up some support for the show. I created a bunch of fun photo captions with pictures of the season two cast members and posted them on Twitter and tagged the TBS Twitter account for the show as well as the cast member in the picture. In one I even told them that a "Nerd Army" would rise and revolt if they didn't renew the show. :) I knew what I was doing...
I did exactly what I set out to do. The winner of season two, the reigning King of the Nerds contacted me about working together to bring together a "Nerd Army". I was blogging about Survivor and The Amazing Race for Your Reality Recaps at the time and the guy that owns and manages the site was happy to let me use it to promote the Nerd Army and communicate marching orders to our members. We rallied some other talented, nerdy people and started doing video podcasts every week - it was so great, but then something happened to me and this message to the Nerd Army that I posted in my reality TV blog today explains everything and is very relevant to this blog as well so... Here it is:
Hello, Nerd Army.
I have already written to the other commanders, our current King of the Nerds, Kayla, and to Papa Nerd himself to explain my absence from Nerd Army Briefings and from what is being revealed today: Knights of Nerdvana.
I had a total emotional and mental breakdown back in June. I lost focus on everything that wasn't related to personal development and my actual job. The flow of creative energy that was so strong when Nerd Army first began just stopped; I couldn't focus on my obligations to Your Reality Recaps either.
During season two of King of the Nerds, when I was writing my blogs about the show, I was actually really miserable. Just before the season started I came to the realization that it was really over between my ex-boyfriend and I, the only real boyfriend I've ever had. We were together for three and a half years and lived together for the majority of the relationship. We continued to live together after he broke up with me in early September 2012 until April of 2013. In January of this year we went on a trip together and to make a long story short, that's when I realized it was over for good. We had a great time on that trip though, and we are still very good friends and love each other as people. I am very happy to have been able to spend our time together and form such a strong and close bond.
One of my best friends had also pretty much abandoned our friendship, stopped coming over to hangout a month before this trip; on New Years Eve he told a bunch of our friends that he didn't trust me and that we weren't getting along. This was news to me because I was supposed to run his bar that night and he gave me the bag of money for the register. If he didn't trust me, why did he give me a bag full of the bar's money? He was the one lying to everyone about why he wasn't running the bar himself and he had also lied to me about why he wasn't (and still isn't) getting along with my mom - this guy is like a brother to me, he's family. So it really hurts that he's been lying to me and about me, especially since my relationship with this community I live in was and still is very unstable.
I also had to shut down the newspaper I had been running since April of 2011 this year, hence the shaky ground with the community. I called the school system out on some bullshit they were trying to pull over on the parents of the kids here and not very many people saw that I was trying to shed light on problems that need to be addressed within the district. Most people never really cared or paid attention to the newspaper anyway; I tried to get people involved with it; you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink - perfect phrase to use to explain the situation. So I was pretty depressed about that as well. I wrestled with the decision to shut it down up until the very last second.
Writing my King of the Nerds blog was very therapeutic for me and when the cast members started following me and sharing links to my blog - It made me feel so much better. Then Curtis started following me and by the time the season was over, my heart was healed. I felt like my happy self again, I came to terms with the end of my relationship with my ex, I still wasn't over the newspaper thing or my friend being a jerk, but it didn't bother me as much anymore. All of you Nerd Army people, the cast of the show and Curtis included, you have no idea how appreciative I am for all of your support and kind words; I really needed it and I will be forever grateful to all of you for helping me through a very difficult time.
Remember during a Nerd Army Briefing when I displayed that I was "in love with everyone"? It was the May 1st briefing. I actually fell in love that day. I was so afraid to give in to the feelings I had for this guy, but I couldn't ignore them. We started talking on Twitter; he was flirting with me hard, but I didn't go for it until a mutual friend told me to talk to him about doing some freelance graphic design work for the Improv in Kansas City. In the second before I looked at the larger version of his profile pic my intuition told me "it's him, he's the one". All of the things he said to me in that first month of us talking, everything I felt, all of the things I could sense... it was magical.
Then all of a sudden, a month later, our conversation just dropped off; he still talked to me, but all of his responses and messages were very distant and casual, not at all filled with love like they had been before. I thought he lost interest, I thought he was rejecting me, but how could he?! "It's like there's someone there with you that knows me," - when he said that to me, that's when my initial intuition about him was confirmed. He is more than a soul mate - he's the other half of my soul. I can see it in his face whenever I look at his picture, I could see the reflection of myself in his eyes when I went up to KC to meet him in person.
I could feel him start to run away from me and I could see and feel the distance he was putting between us when I went up to meet him in person. I could also feel the love, though - oh man, the way he looked at me when he first touched me to hold my hand... Nothing, but love love love. I was so confused. I was lost. My heart felt like it was breaking again and that's exactly what I was afraid of before I allowed myself to surrender to the feelings I started to have for him. I panicked and crumbled into pieces again. I tried to talk to some people; every single one of them basically told me to let him go and that I would find someone who appreciated me and wanted to be with me. I know this isn't true - he's the only man on this planet that I can be truly happy with; sure, I could be happy with another man, there are plenty of guys I know that would be excellent life partners and they have feelings for me, but he's my true love and I couldn't just let him go. He and I are on this same path in life, we have the same desires for the future, we want to do the same things and be around the same people. I couldn't just let him go and hope to meet someone that would be "good enough". When I was old enough to know what I wanted in man, I knew I wanted someone like me, but male. He is this man.
Before I went up to see him for the first time, I did some research about twin flames/twin souls, because I knew and know that's what we are, and found this article about Twin Flame Relationships and I felt somewhat better, but not completely. I cannot even begin to describe the agony of what it feels like when true love runs away from you. It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I've dealt with the sudden deaths of people I loved very much - my dad, my friend Rich, and almost a year ago my friend's husband died all of a sudden and not only was that difficult, but I had to watch my friend go through such agony. He lost his whole future with his husband in one fell swoop, so fast - he died in his arms - and it crushed him and it crushed me to see him that night, hysterical on the sidewalk in front of their house screaming and crying... That was so painful; I'm an empath and it made my heart literally hurt to be there, I almost passed out, but I am so glad that I was there that night.
But this guy, running away from me - So much worse.
Once I read that article, I knew what I had to do - I had to find peace, real peace, within myself. I had to let go of all of my insecurities, fears, doubts - all negative emotions, thoughts and feelings - I had to get rid of all of that within myself. Finding inner peace became my mission; I knew I couldn't focus on anything else other than going to work and doing my job to make money to pay bills and to focus on moving to Kansas City, which was the plan before I met this guy.
On July 30th I found it, or rather, it found me, but that's a story for a different blog (this one) at a different time.
I'm still on this spiritual journey of personal development, though. I know where the peace is, how to feel it and tap into it, but I still go up and down - the world is a crazy place right now and I feel all of it so I have trouble maintaining balance sometimes. I'm just mostly peaceful and happy now; I am connected and online and pretty much at one with the universe. I learn new things about myself, life, the universe and everything everyday and I still have to focus on this because it's what I'm supposed to do right now. Just as I was supposed to help bring together the Nerd Army - I felt a calling to do that every bit as much as I feel the calling to develop myself now. I have to put as much energy into it as I can.
Kayla, I am sorry again that I cannot help you with Knights of Nerdvana right now. I wish I could, but I can't force the creative energy into it - it has to flow naturally, like it was before, or I cannot perform the function properly. I wish you could understand this and what I've been going through, I've been trying through emails to help you understand and not be mad, frustrated and upset with me. Nothing I would be able to create for you now would be up to my standards of awesomeness and if I can't give you my absolute best, if I can't be proud of what I'm contributing to be content on the site, I just can't do it. I want the best or nothing. I never settle for less than what I deserve and what other people deserve from me. I still want to be supportive of the people involved, I want to be able to talk with you all and share ideas and brainstorm and come up with new things to do for the site, but that's all I have the energy to do for Knights of Nerdvana right now. I HATE SAYING THAT. I helped come up with the idea and now I can't focus on doing anything tangible for it...
Because I'm supposed to be focusing my energy on something else and it's so important and guess what - Knights of Nerdvana is very important to what my ultimate purpose in life is. I was inspired to write my blogs, and tweet my tweets about King of the Nerds because I had to help bring nerds together - us nerdy people are the closest to finding our true selves. We are the most open to it because we have such a great capacity for true intelligence - and I'm not talking about book smarts - I'm talking about emotional intelligence because so many nerds have had to struggle to feel okay about who they are and what they are passionate about. Nerds have had to struggle more than most people to be open and honest about who they are so I feel like they are the closest to being what they were meant to be.
I have this spiritual calling... I've felt it since I was very, very young. I can't deny it anymore - it was tearing me apart to deny it. I know a lot of of the science nerds won't understand this, but you will. I'm here to help you do that because it's all about energy and molecules and particles and there is definitely something about spirituality that can be scientifically studied. I would love to contribute something of this nature to Knights of Nerdvana - I'm writing a new blog, the blog I've been wanting to write for months - I'm posting this in that blog too because it's relevant to both, but it's not very nerdy...
This is where I should end this post.
It's almost time for the KON DOOR to open... I'm excited to see the site and very curious about how it's been set up and what it's been modeled to be. Here's the link again: Knights of Nerdvana.
I love you all so much. I hope you can feel it
radiating through me to all of you. I will be blogging about King of the Nerds
season three - most definitely. I think my life will be more in order by
then, but for now, I really have to focus on other things. As much as I
would love to be a bigger part of the Knights of Nerdvana... I just can't
give it the focus it deserves right now, but there are great people there and I
am just an email away if anyone wants to talk to me. :)
melissajcorley@gmail.com and please - add me on Facebook - same profile pic as
on Twitter.
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