So it’s really late and by all means I should not be writing anything to post anywhere; there are books that advise against Tweeting drunk, but… I’m not Tweeting now am I? And let this be proof to you that I really am the best compass of reality drunk or sober.
It’s been a weird, good and weird week. Last Friday I had
another melt down; I didn’t go to work. I made an effort to go to my job, but I
couldn’t do it. Instead, I went to see a friend that I haven’t talked to in
months. Literally months. It was good. I’m really glad I didn’t go to work that
day. Last Friday was one of the best days of my life, which is really funny
because two years ago, last Friday was one of the worst days of my life – or so
I thought at the time.
Two years ago…It doesn’t matter… Last week I didn’t go to
work on Friday because I felt like I was in a prison there – and at home. When
I went to go see my friend at his work there was a sign on the walk in cooler: “you
are not locked in”. Later there was an ad on TV that said “you are not locked
into a two year contract”. It was one of those days when things became totally
clear to me again. Clarity… It feels so
good. When you understand why things happen when they happen… It feels so good.
So I freaked out on work, hung out with my friend that I
haven’t spoken to in months at his work for hours then I went to see the guy
that I am so in love with. I insisted upon it. I needed to see him. I came home
Friday afternoon, hugged my mom, told her I loved her and told her I didn’t go
to work and that I wanted to go to KC to see this guy.
It was the best day.
He’s the coolest person ever. I have the biggest smile on my
face right now. My cheeks hurt. : )
What I’ve been dealing with for the last seven days is
really living in the now and finding my faith again, which was in such good
shape at some point in my life. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t know
how I lost my faith in that statement – it’s how I deal with tragedy and pain
and heartbreak. That’s how I’ve always been. It seems like I don’t care or that
I’m careless sometimes, but it’s really just me knowing that everything happens
for a reason and I am going to learn what I need to learn from the choices I
make the situations I’m dealt.
Or I have to be strong for other people…
I’ve been very selfish lately. I’ve always been selfish. It’s
all about me. Always has been, always will be, but there’s a good reason for
that. This is MY dream. I get to do what I want in my dream. It is also YOUR
dream and you can do whatever you want in YOUR dream. That’s something that I
go round and round about – If this is my dream and I am the whole universe, why
do I need to care about other people? All that should matter is me and what I
want. We are all one and if I’m happy you will be happy, but my GOD that sounds
so arrogant. Maybe it’s my Christian upbringing, and this ingrained sense that
I need to be humble…
Anyway… I realized in the last eight or so days that I am
living the dream right now. I went to go see man I love and … He is just so
awesome! We’re the same person… ;) It took me awhile to believe that it was
happening, but now I do. Everything I ever wanted is happening now. I may not
be where I want to be, but right now, where I am… It’s where I should be, but I
will be where I want to be soon. It’s like I can see this lighted path in front
of me with blinking arrows and brightly lit signs. Just keep doing your thing,
Melissa. You’re awesome and amazing and you’re already doing what you want to
do. And it’s funny because it’s what I’ve been doing my whole life.
Without even thinking about it… I’ve been living the dream
this whole time, my whole life. We have all been living the dream this whole
time. If you are reading this let me just say… : ) Thank you for dreaming with
me. Let’s keep dreaming up all of the best stuff. Let’s fix everything and be
amazing creatures of love and light and just be awesome. Let’s show the
universe a thing or two about what human beings are really capable of doing.
Let’s show them the awesome.
This should have been what LOST was all about… I will stop complaining
about LOST someday. I promise. ;)
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